Saturday, July 30, 2011

What I (Don't) Wanna Leave Behind

"See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."    - Psalm 139:24

  Motherhood has GOT to be the most humbling experience - in the WORLD!!  At the same time, it is the most joyous, fulfilling, loving, and heartwarming experience in the world.  When you think about what we're charged with as mommies, these beautiful, precious, tiny, moldable, little lives - it can really make you think about what you don't want them to learn from you.  Thus, the humbling experience. 

  No one likes to think there is anything about themselves that isn't perfect.  That's just no fun at all!  But when you see your child do certain things that aren't so preferable and you are absolutely, without a doubt, positive that she got it from you...that is a little humbling because it is a direct statement of, "I'm not perfect."
So, there's a lot of things that I want to leave behind for my kids and I want them to learn from me, but here's what I don't want to leave behind:

- my lack of patience
- my struggle with anger and frustration coming out at the wrong person
- the way I secretly hold a grudge toward someone from past hurts without them knowing
- the way I can hide my feelings
- the way I can let my feelings show without holding back when I should
- the way I always want to be in control of my surroundings and life
- the anxiety I feel when things are out of my control
- my inability to keep in touch with close friends (more than just fb) just because we don't live nearby anymore
- the way I am my biggest critic in everything I do, especially being a mommy (not that I hope they have another big critic, but that they won't be so hard on themselves)
- lack of consistency in planning, cooking, housekeeping...all the Proverbs 31 things
- the way I try to completely avoid any and all conflict because I despise it
-  how my first reaction, too often, is to think of "why I shouldn't or can't" and THEN help, talk to, or befriend someone else

  Now that I'm getting a tiny bit depressed about these things about me, I'll stop.  All of them aren't necessarily "bad", none of the "good", but they are things that I hope my children do not learn from me.  And, no, they aren't doing any of the things I've listed...they just "wag" their finger when they talk like I do, for example.

  I read the verse from Psalm in my morning Bible study a few days ago - and it hit me hard!  I am not perfect (obviously from the list above), but how many times do I ask God..."Show me and change me."  I don't want to know where I'm wrong, but if I want to live the life God truly desires for me to live and I don't want to risk passing along a sinful way of life to my children, I have to ask Him.  Daily. Constantly.  And it is humbling.  But I know He will show me and change me and help me to not do the things I don't wanna leave behind.

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