Today is January 15, 2012. Our first baby was due on January 15, 2008. We should be throwing a birthday party this weekend. We should be singing Happy Birthday, eating cake and ice cream, and opening presents. But we aren't. There's no party, singing, ice cream, or cake. There's no candles to blow out and make a wish on. Why? Because our baby died very early on in my pregnancy.
Today is a weird day every year. I always have trouble sorting through my feelings. I am sad. I get confused. I battle bitterness and anger. I rethink over all of the "could have beens" and plans that were made during the short time I knew I was going to have a baby.
Earlier this week, I told a friend what today was. I told her it would be a hard day. And she said the most perfect thing...she told me she thought it was great that I was remembering the day that was supposed to bring her life, not grieving the day that brought her death.
Her life. So very short. But she did so much. She made me a mommy. I became a mommy the moment she was conceived. I loved her from the moment I saw the two pink lines on the test. She changed me. She brought me closer to the Lord. She helped me to know His compassion and comfort on a deeper level than I had ever known. She gave me the ability to be able to walk with others and love them and show God's love to them during the heartbreaking time of losing a baby.
She has helped others realize that every life is real, human, and valuable from the VERY beginning. How? Because people have seen my very real pain and heartbreak and realized that, even though she was so very tiny, she was a life. She was a life that made a difference to me and to others even though she never lived on this earth. She never took a breath of this air.
I started this post not really knowing what I was going to write, but feeling that I had to write. I had to do something to celebrate her life. And I think I have.
Happy Birthday, Mary Grace! I love being your mommy :)
You can read more about my miscarriage and how I came to give my baby this name in my post, I Will Hold You in Heaven