To His Birth Mother...

To the precious woman who chose life for my son,

I don't know you. I know your name. A little bit of your history. But we will likely never meet face to face. Honestly, in some ways I'm okay with that....but at the same time it breaks my heart. I have times where I'm so mad at you and I want to scream "Why?! How could you?!" And then I'm reminded of the brokenness of this world and I'm grieved because you were trapped in it. And that's when I want to take you in my arms and say "I love you....not of my own ability....but with Jesus' love for you. And, yes, precious lady...He does love you. Even now." I love you for giving life to my son. You could've chosen a dark alley in Colombia and ended it all there. But you didn't, you chose life and in choosing life you chose love for him...and now I have the son my husband and I have prayed gut-wrenching prayers for....the brother my children have dreamed of.

There's things I want you to know, should miracles happen and you stumble across this post and somehow just "know" that you're looking into the eyes of the baby boy you gave birth to.

I want you to know that....

....he's adventurous. He loves to climb and he makes his mama's heart nervous.

....he loves to build and he's so intense when playing with blocks. He can sit and do this for hours.

....he was loved here, in one of the best orphanages Colombia had to offer.

....he's so precious when he sleeps and I could watch him all night. He's a good sleeper and, just like me, likes his sleep :-)

....the joy that filled my heart that first morning I woke up and saw him sleeping in his bed next to mine - it's the same joy I felt the first morning with all of my children...they are all the same in my heart.

....he's the cutest and newest Tennessee VOLS fan

...his first Popsicle was pineapple-kiwi - but he didn't eat it all because the cold was a little too much for his mouth

...he loves hamburgers, and he's gonna fit right in at home in America

...his favorite animals at the zoo are the iguanas - and he couldn't take his eyes off of them on his first trip there

...even when he has his moments - we just scoop him right up and love him through them. And we always will.

....he has two big sisters and a big brother who simply adore him.

...he has a father who loves him and wants to lead him and that our baby boy already wants to be just like his daddy

....and he has a mommy who promises to never let go.

And I want you to know that he will know the most important thing about you...that you chose life for him. And in choosing life, you gave us one of the most precious gifts we could've ever hoped for...you gave us all love.

I don't know what your life is like now....if you think about him, wish you had done things differently, carry guilt or remorse - or maybe you're living a full and happy life now. I will never know. But I love you and my deepest prayer for you will always be that sometime, somewhere along the way - someone has shared the unconditional, redeeming love of Christ with you. Because if you know that love, then precious lady, we will meet in heaven. And I will hug you and thank you and our families will forever worship our Jesus together. 

Love,

Me

Becoming Silas Coleman, In Pictures

Here's what the in country process looked like from the time we got him, to the moment he was finally forever, Silas Wade Coleman....

The moment I have waited, hoped, and longed for....the first forever hug to my son

And then Jacob's first forever hug for his son

The exit and initial car ride from the orphanage was tough - only Jacob's lap, a sucker, and a water cup could stop the tears

The first few days held few smiles for him...he was scared, timid, and very unsure

We had "first morning together" snuggles

Five days after getting him and we're headed to tell the attorneys we want to proceed to court to make this official!

We took a trip to the top of Cali after our meeting with the attorneys

We took him to say goodbye to his friends and caretakers at his orphanage. There are so man good things I will say about this sweet and beautiful woman in a separate post.

He took his first plane ride when we returned to Bogota for a few days

We saw the timid little face begin to smile really, real smiles

And they got bigger and came more often

We had a doctor's appointment to update vaccines and have a TB skin test so he could proceed with his passport and Visa when the time came. It was a tough day for him.

This was our first Skype after I came home. He kept giving me kisses through the phone.

And this is is the very moment it became official and forever. This is the moment he was no longer an orphan, no longer simply in "our custody".....in this moment - he legally became a son. He will forever bear the name Silas Coleman. He is the same as Anna Beth, Lynnsie, and Creek. His father is saying, "I am yours and you are forever mine."

Welcome back....maybe?

Three weeks ago today we loaded up in our driver's car, took a ride across Cali, turned down a gravel driveway, went through a gate, and walked into the orphanage where my son was spending his last few minutes in the only home he'd ever known.

What a whirlwind these past weeks have been.

When we left our house in the wee hours of the morning to head to Colombia, my heart hurt so bad. I missed my 3 kids at home before we even reached the end of our street. When it was decided last week that I needed to be the one to return home, instead of staying with Silas to complete the adoption, I had a mix of emotions.

Yes, I wanted to come home. Yes, I was sick. Yes, I was ready to see my kids at home. Yes, I wanted a big glass of cold milk (just being honest, yall). And yes, I felt guilty for feeling all of these things.

When I got in the car outside of our adoption hotel at 5 am - in the rain - and drove towards the airport....I missed Silas before I got to the end of the street.

What a joyous feeling that was. You see, it didn't always feel natural or "motherly" with him. Some days I felt like a babysitter. Some days I felt like a social work intern observing an at-risk child. It didn't always feel natural or normal.

Oh yes....there was love. There was fierce mama bear love. But i was choosing to feel that...it didn't come natural every single morning. 

I'm sure our hotel driver thought I was a hot mess bc I was smiling, crying, and laughing/crying bc I was sad, missed my husband and son already, and so very happy that I was experiencing the same feelings of "missing my son" as I felt when I'd left my other 3 children two and a half weeks earlier.

Bonding had occurred. Attachments were made. We are gonna make at this mother/son thing. Yes, we sure are.

So right now, I feel incomplete. Everyone keeps saying "Welcome back! Aren't you glad to be home?" 

Yes. And no. Because being home is good, but I'm still without one of my children and my husband. And so we're just praying each day for progress and counting down to when we're all 6 together.

Earlier this week, the minor defender at court signed off on her part of our case - giving her consent for us to adopt Silas. Now, we just wait for the judge's signature! Once she signs, Jacob will go sign our part and then it's back to Bogota for just a few days to get Silas' passport and visa and then they come HOME!! Our rep thinks that the adoption will be final by the end of the week....like, TOMORROW. if that happens, Jacob and Silas will be home next weekend. 

Please help us pray for this timeline. 

And when th adoption is finally final...I can finally share pictures of his sweet face 😀

Change of Plans

Sometimes the thing that you've planned for doesn't work out like you'd hoped. When we first began making travel plans after requesting to adopt Silas, our plan was for both of us to travel down to Colombia and stay for the initial two week bonding period. This is what is required by Colombia. After our initial bonding period, Jacob was going to return home to our kids in the States and I was going to stay with Silas in Colombia and wait for the final adoption decree and finish everything up.

But things happen and plans change.

I've spent the better part of this week feeling bad. I spent an entire day in bed after going almost 18 hours without keeping anything I ate or drank down. This is not good on a regular day, but add in a newly adopted toddler and being 8,500 above sea level and things can get bad. Thankfully, our wonderful adoption hotel staff and our sweet representative here in Colombia were on top of things and got me what I needed. I was better for a whole day. 

On that day, we had a Skype session with our social work team back home at Lifeline. We knew that one of us had to go home to the kids and it was decided that it would be best if I did. Silas is bonding very well - but he's mostly attached to Jacob at this point. Yes, bonding is going well between the two of us....but it's going better between the two of them. And that's okay. I know our time will come. So the plan was made for me to spend a few more days here and fly home the early part of next week.

And then I woke up this morning feet dizzy, numb in my hands and face, unable to take a deep breath, and like I was going to pass out. This lasted until about 11 am. Super fun times. Jacob looked at me and said, "I want you on the quickest flight we can get you on. You need to go on home."

So it kinda sucks and I really feel guilty for leaving. I've waited years to get my son and now I have to leave. It should only be another 2 weeks before he and Jacob come home, so it's not forever. But still...

So I'm flying out of Bogota Saturday morning and should be home in time for supper with my kiddos at home. I'm looking forward to a few extra days with them and I do believe I need some one on one time with them to prepare them a little more for Silas and some specifics about him. I couldn't leave until Saturday bc of some paperwork we have to get tomorrow giving Jacob permission to leave Colombia with Silas, without me. And flights out late tomorrow afternoon interfered with an appointment we have for Silas.

The LORD is still doing such very good things here....the bond between Jacob and Silas is beautiful. It is becoming father/son completely. Silas prefers Jacob to rock him and put him to bed, they laugh, wrestle and giggle a lot. 

It's truly amazing how far he has come in the two weeks since we got him. And yet, it still feels like we've always had him. We found out this afternoon that the judge has our case on her desk!! We're praying that all signatures will be received around this time next week. Then it will take a other 3 or so days in Bogota to get his passport and visa for permission to come into the United States. We do lose a couple of days because of the weekend and a holiday next week. 

So please pray with us that this timeline sticks. I'm beyond ready for all 6 of us to be on the same continent, in the same country, the same house....forever. Or until all the kids turn 18 :)

Hanging In There

We're hanging in there down here in Colombia. These past few days have had ups and downs but the downs haven't been as far down as earlier in the week.

Thursday was a busy day as we went to the orphanage to allow him to say goodbye to his friends and have a celebration with them. After that, we grabbed a quick lunch and headed to the airport for our flight back to Bogota. 

Silas did great on his first flight! He enjoyed looking out the window and seeing all of the clouds. He fell asleep for the last twenty minutes or so of the flight, so were thankful he at least got a little power nap.

Our new hotel here in Bogota is an adoption hotel and several Colombian adoptive families that I've connected with the past couple of years recommended it to us. We are in a good neighborhood and can walk to a nice park, grocery store, and mall....which has a Juan Valdez coffee shop 😀

The kids back home really miss us...and it makes it harder to be here on the hard days, to be honest. But I know they're okay and we will all be together soon. I've never heard of anyone who was permanently stuck in country forever because of an adoption, so...

We ended up in Court 9 and our rep in Cali said that is a good court to be in and the judge is very fair and pro-adoption. Our main rep in Bogota feels like it should only take 2-3 weeks for everything to finish up in court, but there are no guarantees. If her timeline is correct, then we could be home by Thanksgiving.

Please keep praying with us. I miss my kids at home so much that it makes my stomach hurt...which makes it hard to eat.

Silas is doing well...were all still figuring this whole thing out, but we're seeing some good signs of bonding, I believe. I hope to talk with our post adoption counselor on Monday or Tuesday and get her take on things, as well.

We feel your prayers each day and the messages and Facebook posts and texts are wonderful. I can't always respond but please know that I get them and they are always good for my heart. Monday is a holiday here in Colombia, so it will be Tuesday at the earliest before we have any kind of update.

Hope everyone has a fun Halloween!,

Broken

Broken.

That's the single word I can use to describe the heart condition of these sweet kiddos, like my son, when they come to us. Because that's what trauma does...it breaks them.

I've read about, studied, and tried to prepare for this broken state...but nothing prepares you for it in full and then you suddenly find yourself laying on a cold tile floor next to your son who won't let you near him. Who fights you if you try. Because his heart has been so broken and no one has ever tried to repair it. 

So you lay there next to him, holding on to your husband as you fight away the enemy who whispers, "Just take him back and go home."

And you plead for strength and all you can do is whisper, "Jesus....help him. Help us."

And after several hours he finally turns to you and you gently slide the water and cookie over to him and he glances up....and he realizes you're still there. You didn't leave, you stayed by his side. So he takes what you've offered and scoots a little bit closer to you...and a little closer....and a little closer until he lets you pick him up and hold onto him for dear life. For his dear life and his dear heart and you beg Jesus again to please help us...help him.

Because your precious child has a never known forever, unconditional love and all the months and years of paperwork trying to prove yourself as a parent to so many people....yeah, it totally prepared you for this moment when you're trying to prove yourself as a parents to the only one who matters in this whole broken and trauma filled process.

And you ask your friends to join in this fight for his heart and they do. Oh they show up big time and prayers are felt and walls are crumbled. You let out the raw emotion and your anger and you use words your mama taught you not to use, but for some reason you just need to use them to describe your true emotion. And the very ones you can be this emotionally raw with - they're standing in the gap for you and they're praying the prayers you cannot begin to form in your heavy and weary heart.

And you keep whispering, "Jesus....help him. Help us." 

And then you watch as your son starts to get a glimpse of what this whole "being a son" thing can really be...and you see that familiar look when a child walks with his daddy, holding his hand, and looks up at him and smiles. 

And you put him to bed and praise the Father for the good things He has done in this tiny hotel room in the past 48 hours....because 48 hours ago, if you were honest....you weren't so sure.

And then you wake up again....and you pray, "Jesus....help him. Help us." You do this every day and commit to keep doing it every day for as long as it takes.

Because the Lord is doing good things. And we keep our hope in Him.

My Sweet Son

I'm sitting down to write and I don't even know what to say...my son is sleeping 3 feet from me and even though it's his first night with us, it feels like he's always been here.

We started the day kind of slow, enjoying a wonderful breakfast at our hotel and drinking coffee on the front porch. We were working on a list of questions to ask at the orphanage in regards to his routine, likes and dislikes, etc. and I looked up and watched a father and his newly adopted son building blocks and playing together in such a natural way. I couldn't help but think that very soon, I would watch Jacob sit in the floor and play with our son in the same manner. 

Our guide arrived at 9:30 to take us to the orphanage which was about an hour away. We drove through the entire city of Cali to get there. We saw the nice areas and the poverty-stricken areas...the type of area where most of the kids at the orphanage come from. Maybe I'll talk about it more later, maybe not....I haven't decided and wouldn't know exactly what to say a out what we saw and how it broke my heart.

When we arrived at the orphanage there was a lot of construction going on. They are adding a whole new section so they can house more children. On one hand, this is good - Silas' orphanage is very good and the children there are well taken care of.  But on the other hand....they need to make room for more orphans. MORE orphans... I'll just leave that right there.

We met with his social worker, medical doctor, and psychologist for about an hour and they went over his medical and family history, as well as his daily routine and favorite activities. He's a good eater, he likes to help, and he's very active. They told us that he loves animals and we've already seen evidence of that today. A favorite new toy of his is an animal board book that Anna Beth picked out for him. It's the best and most realistic "touch and feel" book I've ever seen. We plan to take him to the zoo tomorrow to see some real animals and have a family outing.

It was time for the moment I have prayed and wept and begged God for these past 2 1/2 years. Prior to our arrival, we had sent him a photo album with several close ups of Jacob and I together, U.S. And the kids, the kids themselves, and then each of us holding an 8x10 picture of Silas. When he walked into the room, he had the photo album tucked under his arm. He looked up, saw us, and recognition filled his face....he reached for his photo album and immediately turned to our pictures. Praise you, Jesus, for the great things You have done!!

The next five minutes were a whirlwind of emotions and then we left. Can you imagine being 2 years old, seeing some people in real life after seeing their picture, and then being whisked away by them? Try to imagine how that would feel - and that can tell you how it was for Silas. We gave him a sucker (praise Jesus for dum-dum suckers!) and a sippy cup of water which settled him momentarily until he fell asleep on the way back to the hotel.

One thing that breaks my heart is that, as a two year old, he can completely feed himself...incredible use of a fork and control over a large cup. Now before you start saying how great and how "advanced" he is....it has nothing to do with that. It ha everything to do with the fact that he was 1 of over 100 children in an orphanage and he had no choice but to learn to feed himself if he wanted to eat. It is what it is. That's the reality for these precious children. He can also give himself a shower, complete with washing his hair. At TWO. YEARS. OLD.

However, at lunch - right after we got back - he did let me feed him....which is really good for bonding!! After lunch he needed a nap....we all did....so he snuggled up in my lap and Jacob sat beside us and he slept for about 45 minutes. The rest of the afternoon was spent with him warming up to us and even giving us a few smiles and giggles. And those giggles are the sweetest sound...they completely drown out ever tear and scream of frustration that I've let out over the past 2 1/2 years of this process.

We sent the kiddos back home a picture of him and we will skype with them this weekend. They're still doing great and are very excited that we got their brother a day early. Side note: AB had her follow up appointment for her arm today and it is healing very well! She goes back in 2 weeks and may get a temporary cast at that point!

Dinner was more of the same and he let us feed him again. We spent a lot of time in the floor this afternoon and evening playing with play doh and pushing a car back and forth. We laid him down in his bed after his shower and he immediately started to cry, so we picked him right up and rocked him to sleep again.

Overall, it was a great first day - but who knows what tomorrow will bring. This morning I read from Psalm 52 (following a prayer through the Psalms outlined by our worship pastor) and I read this verse..."For what you have done I will praise you in the presence of your faithful people. And I will hope in your name for your name is good." 

People...no adoption agency, court judge, or even me and Jacob did the good things that happened today. None of it. Do you hear me? I praise for only my Heavenly Father for what ONLY He has done. And I will continue to hope in His name for all of my days. I invite you to do the same...